What I wanted to say, but couldn't

Yesterday was a remarkable day in the history of my life, as well as Zach. Yesterday we were baptized at Living Stones Church. There were many things I would have liked to said as the microphone was offered to me, needless to say, I just couldn't get the words from my brain to my mouth. Anyway, I just don't feel complete unless I share with you what I wish I would have said. Well I wouldn't have said quite all of it, but some of it...

Our God is a Great and Almighty God!! He has saved me from the very many bad decisions I have made in my past and given me a new beginning. I was baptized as in infant in the Lutheran Church and attended Zion Lutheran School from beginning to end. (8th grade). I went to church every Sunday with my mom up until I started High school. I then began to be led astray from the Lord. I made many wrong choices, and lived a life that I was ashamed of. I got a rude awakening in the summer of 2005, I was 16 years old sitting on the bathroom sink of a friends house waiting for the 3 minutes to be up that would decide my future... times up, results are in... PREGNANT! As tears began running down my cheeks, soon turning into sobs, I just couldn't believe what I had done... How could I have SERIOUSLY been so blind and careless to let this happen? The shamefulness, embarrassment... and worst of all, having to tell my mom and dad what I had done.

The story goes on, it was a long and hard 9 months and Zach and I were going through some pretty hard times with each other. Addisyn Paige was born on on March 28, 2006. I was 17 at this point and from the time that she was a couple weeks or months I suffered from depression. I didn't know it at the time and didn't really let it be known to others. My life was a downward spiral... fight after fight with Zach, going out and partying it up, and the guilt of not being the mother that I should have been. This went on for quite some time. Zach and I had split up a couple different times, and finally in the summer of 2007 we both grew up a bit and realized that our lives were in shambles and that it was time to grow up!

In the summer of 2007, we got quite another surprise!! We now call him Ryder. At this point we had started getting back into church a little bit, but definitely not enough. We got married in February of 2008. After Ryder was born we still hadn't completely given up some of the things that were corrupting our lives. I had somewhat of a problem with alcohol. Not everyday or every other day for that matter, but when we got a chance to go out, I would drink, and drink, and once I started I just kept it up all night. (And as hard as it is to put this out there for everyone to read, I believe it is part of my testimony and proof of how Great our God is!)
Zach and I continued to fight, and now it was even harder because we were married, and had two children that depended on us. At this point we were pretty much leading the double life, going to church, but also going out and doing things of ungodly nature. Every Sunday I would sit in church during praise and worship and feel tears, and my heart seriously aching... One Friday night I had a complete BREAKDOWN, I was sobbing, it was hard to catch my breath, guilt, shamefulness, regret, embarrassment, the fact that I was trying to be faithful to God, but could not give up my sinful ways had all consumed be, I was then completely overtaken by the Holy Spirit. I know it sounds crazy but I soon felt my heart change, God said I know you are tired of living the way you are so I'm here tonight to show you that you can't have both, its ME or the other things of your life. I finally realized after so long of living unhappily, that ALL I HAD TO DO was give up the bad things that I was doing and GIVE IT ALL TO GOD!!! I did, I just kept crying and crying and saying I don't want that life anymore, I can't live like that, I DON"T WANT TO!!! I made a decision that night that things were going to change for me. After that night, I became a new woman. When I went to church, I have gave in to those feelings and just cried and cried and cried, I threw my hands up in the air and praised GOD for the second chance He had given me.

Now, sitting here almost sobbing, I have realized that even though I wasn't walking with God through all of my hardships and troubled times, He sure was walking with me even though I didn't know it.

Even though I was still growing in my faith again, and attending church regularly, I was still dealing with some of the shame of my past. It was really hard to let go of some of the things that I had done, and failed to do. As of yesterday, I am washing it away and letting go and moving on. I will not feel embarrassed of being a young mother for one more day. The Lord has cleansed me of all unrighteousness, and I am starting a new walk with Christ. I am excited and can not wait to see what is in store for Zach and I as we move forward with the Lord. AMEN!